It has been ages, since I've updated this. How I have grown. I look back on myself as an empty jar crying out to be loved, but the truth is I wasn't even a jar. I was nothing. I wanted to be useful and loved as a jar, but nothing. So, depressing. All of my entries are so depressing. I was a sad kid, for no reason other than I had nothing to value, but still felt I should be valued. No wonder I hurt in my decent life.
I have goals, and understandings of the world... I might still be ignorant, but I'm not angry about it. I know I can learn and grow now. I feel strong, free and a pillar of individuality. I need no one to establish my existence, for I know it all is meaningless. I know I put the value and purpose in me. For, I am a jar. I will fill to the brim, and sometimes over flow. I may be toppled over and find my world to be empty once more, but I can create and build my life as many times as I want.
And, age... Age means nothing, but that death has a higher chance of being closer. Why care about death! When death comes there is nothing I can do. It is a stronger force than a hurricane, because you can guess the arrival of it, and even possible defend against it. But, death is the only godlike power I see in the world, and it isn't even mystical at all. What a depressing topic, but death use to be something I thought about. Life was something I could barely handle. Existences with no means, was terrible.
Now, I feel alive. Oh, I feel ups and downs, but not extremes. I get lost, and confused. I falter and blind my eyes from the truth, but I try. I try to exist and be. For being is something other than existence. Anything can exist. A rock is here, but is it ever being. Not until I give it a purpose. Not till I grab the rock and say "Rock! You are now a doorstop!" Or a paperweight, or aesthetic statue for my personal appeal. With people, you can't do that. People have to build their purpose, for only yourself can appreciate the purpose. I'm sure the rock has no feelings about the job I've given it. I could care less if I left it by the road, or chucked it at a crow to defend my tomatoes
Oh, how I have grown. I hope I have. I feel I have.
I'm still a child in many ways, but I think that'll never leave me. I value it too much.

And, love. Love is such an easy flowing thing in me. I never have been shy to love. When I value and love other things, people... I do it whole heartily. What I love most about people is the strength in their values. My love wilters and shakes and cracks when I see the flaws gods(values) of others... I struggled and fought to love deeply, even when I saw the emptiness behind their huge curtains of beliefs, of morals.... Maybe that was why I was so persistent and demanding. I wanted them to be something, so I might be something in loving them. But, love isn't that.
I love someone now. I know it will dissipates sometime. Maybe tomorrow, maybe years from now. But, who cares, and yet I won't be so upset when it does. I'll be able to function and move forward with no hesitation. I love him dearly. He's such a bright person, and so strong headed at times. I love it when we disagree, and sometimes I hate it when we can't find anything to disagree on. I want to be one with him, but single and alone. He makes me fear being one, as opposed to alone. He's affectionate and tries so hard to be understanding.
We fight... but never fight to the point we have to cry and scream. Fighting might even be to strong of a word for a little bits of nagging. Oh, I can't find any reason to hate this man. He makes me content, but dosen't hold me back from my new found full ambitions for more.
More of life! I want to guzzle the essence of it all. I want to drown myself in life. I want to do things. I want to fight and struggle for it all. So, when I reach the mountain tops I can look down not at where I came from, but at the path I took and be proud I was willing to face the pain and harsips to see the beauty life can give.
This may be the happiest entry I've ever written. Now, I need to get to it! Get back to my life. But, before I do. I think I'll amuse myself by retaking this quiz. ^^

Psychoanalyze survey? Body: Psychoanalyze Yourself. Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means. (NO CHEATING!)

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?
A beast, a wolf.

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
A eagle.

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
I watch it soar above me through the tall forest, and follow it with my eyes as it disappears in to the light up ahead.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe it:
It's an old three story home, in the design of some new england house.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No, it's yard merges with the wilderness, that even vines have brought the house to be included wit the woods.

6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see?
Dark red wood. The room is a comforting maroon color, with a table and dresser for lovely dishes.

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
A beautiful white porclean tea cup with no design on it..

8. What do you do with the cup?
I keep it.

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water what is it?
A mirror like lake.

10. How will you cross the water?
I won't. I don't want to disturb the crispy image.

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1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.

4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.

5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.

6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.

8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.

10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life


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delete the following if you repost

I have this slightly selfish notion that I'm somewhat of an artist. Now, when I think of a female artist who can write and be poetic... someone like me never comes to mind. She's shy and quiet. One of those damsels in stress kind of gals fills my mind with her indirect smile and long depressing sigh that would cause any male to fall in love and have a heavy heart. She'll have modest clothes and a slender frame that nothing can ever make sexual, but somehow in those strange dresses that are meant to hang one can imagine the pale soft flesh God gave her. The kind of girl that probably hid in the library, or who always makes reading outside seem more elegant and poetic. The lost soul that gets people to pity her....

The kind of person I hate. Tons and tons come rescuing her or admiring her grace. Maybe it's jealousy.

Or once I was jealous. Now, I like my vulgar edge. My foul mouth. The sighs are probably tiring. The art and writings are probably dull and boring. Poetry... Now-a-days it's most likely just a bad copy of someone else's soul.

I don't want to be dull and fragile.

I was never a princess sitting in a tower sighing my life away. Oh, yes, some people would say I was a princess waiting for a knight in shining armor. They are wrong. It's as simple as that. People always assume things, and assuming makes no ass out of me, just shows you as one. A spoiled princess I am. Waiting for a knight. I've never ever have. A companion maybe. Someone to care about me, more than any other friend. The knight however I wished I was. I sometimes wish I could be a boy. I know today there are no knights and dragons. Yet, there is still a wall defining boys and girls, and if it's not there, than it's in my head. And I have to battle that strange image drilled into my skull somehow. I want to be powerful, independent, and courageous.

On a different note, Christmas was nice. I received presents from my parents, surprisingly. A make up brush set, and a card for my phone, so I can put more music on my phone. My siblings got some gifts too. I'm still in the process of making tamales. Have yet to try them. My boyfriend stopped by for a moment, but had to leave. He called me though to inform me his parents bought us a wine gift basket. I guess I can't complain much of anything this christmas. Not that I was looking to, but I always seem to be so depressed and angst-y in these blogs.

Sadly, I'm having a hard time keeping the internet and any other social affairs updated with my life.

Well, so far it looks like I might be looking into cosmetology school. I think being a beautician would be a great job to support me through college. :)

And, I've always had a dream to make a hairspray that is nice to the environment.
Well, I have a B in my biology class, and a D in math. Hopefully, I can get A's on my next 3 classes and than I'll get at least a C or B(Even better).

Still no job, and still no check.

I'm in the mood for some more smiths. I shall make a cd now.